


The realest thing I know

by mainsqueezemish



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coda, Episode Tag, Episode: s15e02 Raising Hell, First Kiss, Helpful Sam Winchester, M/M, slight Season/Series 15 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-12-27 03:24:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21111875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mainsqueezemish/pseuds/mainsqueezemish
Summary: “I know what it´s like to be told what to feel. What it means to not feel anything.” He looks into Dean´s eyes and his gaze is open and vulnerable. “This is the opposite of that.”Coda to 15x02 Raising Hell





	The realest thing I know

**Author's Note:**

> It´s the last season of supernatural and these two are still killing me. I´m sorry this is not beta read - if you find something big please let me know.

Dean couldn´t tell you how many times he and Sam have had to bunk down in uncomfortable places over the years. Shitty motels, not quite as shitty motels, the impala and random safe-houses to name a few. On one memorable occasion, when they were younger and in less danger of throwing their backs out, they´d squeezed themselves into a tiny treehouse during a stakeout. Sleeping in random places really isn´t new to them. Which is why, when the opportunity presents itself, Dean jumps at the chance to get some shut-eye – even if it means he has to sleep on the dirty linoleum floor in an empty classroom.

He finds the one that is furthest away from the towns people who have mostly been flocking to the cafeteria. Dean figures he could´ve found an unoccupied cot and at least been kind of comfortable, but he doesn´t. He tells himself it´s got nothing to do with trying to punish himself and everything with the fact that he doesn´t want to take someone´s spot.

When he´s finally made himself as comfortable as possible in a dark corner of the classroom, he shuts his eyes and can feel the sleep seep into his dead tired bones. Obviously, that is the moment his asshole of a little brother chooses to push the door open. The light from the hallway is bright, even through his tightly shut eyelids. He grunts.

“I figured you´d be in here. Got room for one more?”

Dean makes a non-committal noise, keeping his eyes shut and trying to ignore the rustle of Sam´s clothing as he is trying to get comfortable a few feet away. At least the light from the hallway goes away as Sam shuts the door behind him. Dean´s slipping into that pre-sleep state again and figures he can finally get some rest now, when Sam starts talking.

“So. I ran into Cas in the hallway.”

Dean has the urge to role his eyes. Since they´re closed and it´s dark anyway, he does, knowing that Sam can´t see it. He keeps quiet, but doesn´t have any hope that Sam might think he´s already asleep. Or that he would drop the topic, for once. And, of course, he doesn´t.

“He seemed upset. Have you talked to him at all?”

Sam obviously didn´t get it. They had talked, alright. But it hadn´t mattered, because whatever he and Cas said it wasn´t really them saying it, was it? All of this was part of a big script that Chuck had thought up and they were all just playing their roles. So it didn´t really matter if what Cas had said was still wandering around in his head hours later. It wasn’t real.

_We are._

He doesn´t want to get into all of that crap right now, so he just grunts, “Yes.” at his brother and hopes that for once the idiot will let it go. He doesn´t.

“This must be hard for him. I mean we all cared about Jack, but with Cas… it was different I guess.”

“The kid killed our mom, Sam. And Cas knew something was up. Sorry if I don´t feel particularly heartbroken for him.”

“Yeah right.” states Sam. “You´re only saying that right now because you´re hurt and angry. You always do this. Last year after Jack was born, when Cas died…”

“Sam!” he raises his voice. “Not now.” And his brother does quiet, although Dean is under no illusion that he is done. So he adds, “It doesn´t matter anyway. None of this is real. It´s all part of Chuck´s plan. So, it doesn´t matter what I feel. Hell, for all I know I might not be feeling it at all.”

There´s a few moments of silence and Dean really shouldn´t have said all that because now he can feel Sam stare at him. “Is that what this is about? You think your feelings aren´t real? Is that why you´re so touchy around Cas?” he asks incredulously.

“Drop it, Sam.”

“No, Dean, I don´t think I will.” And this is Sam getting slowly but surely pissed with Dean. He´s so tired of all of this shit. He´d give anything for a little peace and quiet right now. Hah, as if that was ever in the cards for him. Not with how Chuck had planned it.

“Chuck might´ve orchestrated all of this. The never-ending monsters, the hunts, our whole lives basically.” Sam chuckles darkly. “But he still couldn´t change our choices and feelings. You heard the guy. This isn´t how it was supposed to go. We forced his hand by refusing to play our parts. But that means that we can refuse. And we have. Starting way back during the first apocalypse. We – you, me and Cas – we changed the rules then and we are doing it right now. We still have a choice Dean!” Sam says it all so passionately that Dean wonders how much of this little speech is for him and how much is to motivate and convince Sam himself.

“That´s a nice thought. I´m just not so sure that´s the truth. For all I know, the fact that we´re having this conversation right now is premeditated. I can´t trust this, Sam. I can´t. Everything I´ve – everything we´ve ever felt is a big ass lie.”

“You don´t believe that, Dean.” says Sam in a quiet and resigned voice.

“The hell I don´t.”

“You don´t, Dean. I know you. This is you trying to protect yourself. Because you´ve realized you´re in so deep that you´re bound to get hurt. After Mom… You can´t stand to get hurt like that again. So, you´d rather not feel anything at all. For anyone.” There´s a pause. Sam audibly swallows.

“And especially you´d rather not feel anything for Cas.”

Dean sits up straight at that. “I don´t have feelings for Cas?!”

Sam hums and it sounds like he´s trying not to laugh.

“Seriously, I don´t! I mean we´re friends… family even. Cas is our brother.”

“Yes of course. We´re family. But that still doesn´t change the fact that you´ve been silently pining after him for almost a decade now. Or not so silently on some late-night occasions.”

Dean actually sputters. “I have not been pining.”

Sam´s bitchface is so strong that his brother doesn´t have to see it to know it´s there. “Sure, Dean.”

Dean shucks off his jacket turned makeshift blanket and gets up.

“I need to get some air.”

“Yeah you do that.” His brother sounds way to smug. Unbelievable.

“Hey, Dean.” Sam calls when Dean´s almost at the door.

“What?”

“I guess you´re the expert in the whole man on man thing, but if you want… there was that one time Jess asked to…”

“SAM!”

There´s snickering in the dark and then Dean shuts the door behind him. Little brothers are a pain in the ass.

No matter that he´d been dead on his feet a few minutes ago, now he feels wired. Sam has shaken up his thoughts and he doesn´t like it one bit. He has no idea why the idiot decided to choose now of all times to bring this up. As if they don´t have enough on their plates with actual GOD bringing on the newest edition of the apocalypse. He has half a thought to get himself some coffee – or maybe somethings stronger - but he´s taken maybe 20 steps into the direction of the cafeteria when he passes another classroom. The light is on inside and through the little window in the door he can see a familiar tan trenchcoat. Cas is slumped over the teacher´s desk, holding his head in both hands. He looks tired. He looks human.

It´s not even a conscious decision to push open the door. As soon as he does Cas´ head snaps up and he´s out of his seat. He looks ready to march into battle.

“What´s wrong? Is it the ghosts?”

Dean shakes his head. “Can´t I just come talk to my friend without there being some kind of emergency?”

“You´ll have to excuse me. I was under the impression you didn´t wish to talk to me.” Cas says dryly. Alright he deserves that. He rubs his hand over his eyes, trying to clear his vision or maybe his head.

“I just wanted to see if you were alright.”

Cas´ eyes soften. “I´m fine, Dean.”

“Are you? Because for some reason this seems like the kind of thing you´d be upset about. Being the angel who betrayed his own kind in the name of free will and all.” He meant to say it flippantly, but it comes out more bitter than intended. Dean almost expects Cas to get angry with him. To yell. To tell him that it´s not fair and that he feels helpless, just like Dean does.

But Cas only sighs. “Dean, I spent most of my life believing I didn´t have a choice. For millennia I did nothing but follow orders. Trust me, I know what it´s like to be ruled by fate. Or Chuck or whatever you want to call it. This is not that.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“I know what it´s like to be told what to feel. What it means to not feel anything.” He looks into Dean´s eyes and his gaze is open and vulnerable. “This is the opposite of that.”

“Cas…” he barely manages. He can´t let himself listen to what the angel is saying. Sam was right, he is scared. He feels like the ground has been ripped from underneath his feet and everything he thought he knew was flipped upside down.

“We are real.” Cas says and Dean wants to believe him, so badly. But he turns towards the door, in an echo of earlier. Ready to run.

Only, as soon as he does, he turns back around.

“No. You know what? You´re right.” He rushes out while steadily walking across the room towards Cas. “If there´s anything that´s real? This is it.” He crashes into Cas, there´s a flurry of arms grasping for each other, they stumble back a little and then their lips meet. Dean doesn´t hold anything back. He´s not soft or slow, he´s going for it like he´s been wanting to for years and the fire that ignites deep within him spurs him on. He wraps his hands around Cas´ neck and holds on. Immediately, Cas is right there with him. He matches Dean´s fervor and it´s hard and fast and so good. Gasps feel the room as they break away for a second to catch their breath. Dean doesn´t loosen his hold on Cas´ neck and Cas has his hands buried in Dean´s jacket. Their eyes meet and the only thing Dean sees is the hunger in the darkened eyes of the angel. It matches his own.

They´re on each other again in a heartbeat. Cas wraps his arms around Deans middle to pull him in even further. Dean lets his hands wander. From Cas´ neck into his hair, where he pulls a little to deepen the kiss and gets a delicious moan in response. To his back, where he sneaks them under the trenchcoat and buries them tightly in the fabric of his suit jacket.

When his hands travel lower, Cas bites his bottom lip and now it´s Dean´s turn to moan. Cas runs his tongue over the bite and Dean immediately opens up to let him in. He shivers when their tongues meet and grabs Cas to turn him around and push him up against the nearest wall. They´re pressed together all along their bodies and Dean can feel Cas everywhere. Frantically he shoves at Cas´ shoulders, trying to get that damn coat off him. He aches to be close, closer, closer - 

Cas hands come up and cover his wrists. His thumbs rub over Dean´s pulse points and he knows Cas can feel how fast his heart is racing. Their movements still. Cas pulls away, only a little bit, but it makes Dean claw his fingers into the trenchcoat to keep him from going further. Cas is looking at him and he feels lightheaded. He leans in for another, featherlight kiss and can feel the angel´s smile on his lips. It´s impossible for Dean to not answer with a smile of his own.

“I know it´s not easy for you to believe. But how I feel about you? That´s the realest thing I know.” Cas says quietly. “And I´ll remind you as often as you want.”

“Is that so?” Dean raises his eyebrow a little. “Because I might need constant reminding, you know.”

Cas smile turns a little devious and his voice drops. “Oh, I´m counting on it.”


End file.
